Goofy Cover Band With Bad Fashion Sense, The Amish Outlaws, Still Alive at the Combined Age of 546.

December 20, 2011 // 26

Last we checked, anyway. We'll find out for sure this week.

Cover band The Amish Outlaws (Outlaws, Amish The) were pronounced alive today after waking up, stretching, and then falling back asleep. Except Ish, he got up for work. Jakob's dog probably woke him up. Abel's too. Eazy was doing that thing where you breathe through your mouth and get all dry and can't sleep. Hez probably woke up and went running, according to a total lack of sources. Amos was up all night on a Pepsi bender.

Local delis told mildly interested parties that, considering the massive amount of pork products that band members order to go and then are spotted eating in the parking lot over the garbage can seconds later, it's a miracle that they lasted this long.

No reporters gathered anywhere at any place the band members were to do anything. While one local news anchor was spotted at Deli Central, it was later confirmed that she was just there ordering a Sobo.

In an effort to stay alive, the band plans to continue with their strict regimen of road food from Sheetz, Dominos, Wawa, napping as often as possible, and avoiding bears, sharks, poisonous cobras, giant squid, and other things that kill you.

Photo by Laurel Schrock